English 280: The Journalistic Essay

By Kelly Porter

I hid behind the micro fiber couch, waiting for Bruce to get out of the shower to surprise him with my visit. It was a few months before my boyfriend and I moved in together, and I knew he was having a rough day so I wanted to cheer him up. When I heard the bathroom door open, I straightened up so the upper half of my body was visible. Seeing a reflection through the mirror that wasn’t previously there when he first opened the door sent Bruce into a screaming fit. He began running nervously around his kitchen in circles, yelling in complete fear. Shaking, I quickly got up behind the couch and rushed to the kitchen to comfort him. Only to find Bruce tucked in a medium sized space, hiding behind the refrigerator.

Sergeant Bruce Hunt was deployed to Iraq for the first and second tours; he left straight from his army station in Germany. It wasn’t until spring 2006 when Bruce and I met at Bridgewater State College, and we instantly became close friends. Both of us have the same friends and even those people who met him for the first time noticed the Army vibe he gave off. Currently on inactive duty until 2010, Bruce knows that any day he could receive a phone call or a letter sending him back to Iraq. When we began dating, he hardly talked about his experiences in Iraq, there were only a few times he would even mention something. However, once we moved in together, I noticed a lot of habits created from serving in Iraq.

That doesn’t stop Bruce from how he feels about his deployment overseas. “It was like being on a different planet. Life in the military is very different from civilian life as it is, but to also be in hostile 3rd world country makes the situation very unusual. My first impression of Iraq was that is was so unstable, and our living conditions were so challenging, that the year long tour that we originally were assigned seemed nearly impossible,” said Bruce. “My thoughts when I left were that I had been extremely lucky, and a real sensation of disbelief. The feeling that a great burden had been removed, that great freedom and happiness lie ahead, and that I was extremely lucky – and maybe purposefully protected so that I would go on to live a good life.” Although he remains positive about his experience, it is something that remains an obstacle for me to climb over because I am so hurt by the pain I see from him. However, I know I am not alone.

According to the Boston Veteran Affairs website, http://www1.va.gov/opa/fact/ptsd.asp, “Nearly 16,000 Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom (OIF/OEF) veterans were seen for PTSD at VA medical centers from fiscal year 2002 to 2005. Another 3,000 OIF/OEF veterans were seen in VA’s Vet Centers during that period.” With numbers that large, Bruce’s behavior began to make sense to me, however seeing it first hand was not an easy concept. Living with someone who is constantly unaware of how he behaves is emotionally and physically draining for both people. Waking up from a dead sleep with loud, vibrating yelling and feeling every muscle constantly twitching with every second ticking from the clock is difficult. However, the hardest part is the confusion revealed by Bruce when confronted to the previous night’s episode. Ear piercing yells that I could never forget, he never remembers. Every time it happens my heart breaks because he is completely clueless of his own actions and he is always embarrassed. Twenty-three year old, Courtney Collins, lives with her fiancé, twenty-nine year old, James Tormey. James has served in Iraq and is now trying to finish his undergraduate career before being called back because he is an Armed Forces man. “About a month ago, I was on the other side of the room doing something and he woke up screaming ‘BABY’, he got scared because he didn’t know where I was,” said Courtney. “When he woke up the next day and I told him about what he did, James told me it was strange because he used to freak out when his gun wasn’t next to him.”

It is also financially difficult for both of us because Bruce relies on his GI Bill to pay his half of the rent, the electric bill, tuition for Bridgewater State College, his car payment and car insurance. He works part time because he attends school full time and needs to maintain a 3.9 GPA to receive scholarships for graduate school. Bruce doesn’t get paid during the summer because the Army will only send a check while he is in school. It is not just hard for him, but for me also because I don’t make much money and I only have enough for my half of the rent and my bills.

We sometimes go a couple of weeks without grocery shopping and live off of bread, peanut butter and spaghetti. I feel bad for people who initially believe that the Army is paying for their tuition because they don’t actually understand the true concept. They do not pay for all the fees that are the majority of the expense of college. It is an everyday struggle to just survive on the money that Bruce makes and the stress of school just piles onto the already present pressure. The National Center for PTSD, www.ncptsd.va.gov/ncmain/ncdocs/manuals/GuideforFamilies.pdf, created Returning from the War Zone: A Guide for Families of Military Members. Under the section of Effects on Family Life: Effects on Other Functioning, the guide states, “Money issues can add to stress at work or home, and finances are often complicated by deployment; Veteran’s sleep is also getting disrupted and getting a full night of sleep is important to maintaining a happy and healthy life.”

However, dealing with those pressures is not hard on the veteran alone, but all those who are close to him or her. “He was deeply affected by going over there,” said Bruce’s sister, Ashley Hunt Bucholtz. “When he was a kid, he used to keep a bat or golf club near his bed because he was terrified people would come into the room, but not to the extent he is now. It’s definitely gotten ten times worse with arriving home from Iraq. He definitely did not twitch or scream without remembering it, while asleep.”

The twitching, screaming, and being snuck up on are not the only problem veterans and those who live with them must overcome. Deciding randomly one day to go to a movie, we strolled into Showcase Cinema, unsure of what was playing in the theatres. After looking at the time and finding one that looked interesting we picked In the Valley of Elah, starring Tommy Lee Jones. Neither of us heard what it was supposed to be about so we read the poster and walked in to find our seats. With the popcorn, soda and candy in our hands we sat down and watched the previews. The movie was about a soldier who was killed by his fellow soldiers after dealing with the stress of returning from war. It was not until the end of the movie when Bruce lost all control and began sobbing uncontrollably. He could not handle what he was watching and left the theatre. Not wanting to embarrass or pressure him into talking, I waited a few minutes to go down and check on him. Bruce was walking out of the men’s room, and said that he was fine and we went back into the theatre right before the end credits rolled. “Although, enjoying the movie, Bruce acted different for several days after viewing it. We couldn’t interact or be intimate because the movie was in the back of his mind. “It was a great movie because it was the closet thing to what it was actually like over there,” Bruce said in a casual conversation to me afterwards.

The movie didn’t personally affect me at first; however it did affect our relationship for at least a week. Never knowing what to say or how to act, the movie left us distant and unable to openly communicate. This unspoken silence is common among many people who live with veterans because if they do not want to talk about the war then forcing them would cause more tension and pain.

Seeing Bruce constantly struggling with his emotions and not knowing how to help is incredibly hard. Doctor of Psychology, Ruth Hannon, said, “You cannot help someone who does not want to go to therapy. If they go without wanting the help, therapy will be unsuccessful.”

Wives, girlfriends, parents, siblings and children all deal with this same situation on a daily basis. How can we help? How can we make the pain stop? Everyone in a relationship with a veteran handles their feelings in a different way. Some by supporting the war and others by opposing the war. One’s personal beliefs towards the war should not affect how you view the veterans, soldiers and their families. Living with a veteran, especially at such a young age, is a difficult and trying lifestyle, but it is possible. Personally hearing how Bruce feels as a veteran has opened my eyes.

“Sometimes it feels like a secret–like an ace up my sleeve. I believe in myself. I carry a lot more confidence–and not a pseudo confidence that I don’t really believe in or that is easily broken–more like a confidence that I couldn’t shake if I tried–deeply ingrained. That’s the positive I guess. For the negative, I also carry a heavy sense of guilt and vulnerability,” said Bruce when asked about his feelings about serving in Iraq. “Probably sounds contradictory-confident and vulnerable-and it is, but that’s what I got. The guilt isn’t over being in Iraq like some people might think, but it’s over the curiosity of whether or not I did a good enough job, and whether I should be signing up to go back. The freedom I enjoy now–being out of the Army for almost 3 years now–it feels like I haven’t really earned that freedom lately.”

Knowing that my boyfriend, who I live with and share each day with could go to war scares me. When the mail arrives and I see a letter from the Department of the Army, my heart skips a beat because it could be saying he is going back to Iraq. With every twitch, midnight scream, and panic attack, Bruce and I learn to cope. “It is a daily struggle, some days are better than others,” said Courtney. “You gotta take the good with the bad. It comes with the territory of being in love with a soldier.” There are numerous wives and girlfriends that live in this situation, but all one can do is take things day by day.